#5: You Loathe Santa Barbara.
Believe it or not, there are
actually people out there who passionately hate Santa Barbara. The beach, the
mountains, the natural beauty, the laid back vibe, near perfect weather and
friendly people disgust them. I’ve never met them, but I’m sure there are a
handful out there. I’ve heard rumors. Anyhow, if you hate it here, please do
not buy my book.
#4: You Can’t Stand Learning New Things
There is a segment of the
population who can’t stand to find a new restaurant to try, art galley to
visit, hike to take, winery or brewery to sample. Only the standard tried and
true will do. Besides, you never know what you’ll get with new experiences.
Probably lice! Right? If you prefer the same tedious experiences you’ve had for
years, do not buy my book.
#3:You Hate Small Towns
Small is just hugely wrong.
Santa Barbara is a small town with small people, small portions, small mindsets
and big taxes. Only a big city can offer variety, diversity, choice, and, you
know, other stuff. Small towns like Santa Barbara and its even smaller towns
like Lompoc, Los Alamos, Summerland, Montecito, Goleta and Carpinteria are like
sets from a movie - there’s nothing behind the façade. And don’t get me started
on the “Danish” themed Solvang! This book sounds idiotic.
#2: Traveling to You is Like Having the Plague
Let’s be honest – ‘travel’ is
a ‘hassle.’ Heck, they’re practically even spelled the same! Crowds, noise,
renting a car, sitting on a plane, yes even walking is laborious and hard. Who
wants a bad nights sleep in some crappy hotel? Why get up to fresh air and hang
out at a Santa Barbara beach – we all know the ocean isn’t even blue, it
reflects the color of the sky. Plus there are kids, dogs, musicians, artists, anyone
on a Segway…yeah, no thanks. When you stay at home no one bothers you (except
for that weird neighbor). Don’t travel and don’t waste your money on my book.
#1: You Don’t Have a Funny Bone in Your Body.
I don’t mean literally your
“funny bone” (that’s actually when your ulner nerve bumps against your humorous
bone and you get that icky sensation like your arm is drunk) because then your arm
wouldn’t work. You haven’t laughed in decades. I mean, why bother? The world
isn’t funny, this blog post is stupid, and to smile wastes valuable calories.
So please, I beg of you, don’t buy my book.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
The dumb author who Wrote
Santa Barbara Know It All: A Guide To Everything That Matters.
P.S. – Just so you know,
don’t even bother buying a copy of this book at Tecelote Bookstore in Montecito, Chaucer’s or the Visitor’s
Center in Santa Barbara, The BookLoft in Solvang, or the Costco
in Goleta. And for Pete’s sakes don’t purchase it on Amazon!
