#5: You Loathe Santa Barbara.
Believe it or not, there are actually people out there who passionately hate Santa Barbara. The beach, the mountains, the natural beauty, the laid back vibe, near perfect weather and friendly people disgust them. I’ve never met them, but I’m sure there are a handful out there. I’ve heard rumors. Anyhow, if you hate it here, please do not buy my book.
#4: You Can’t Stand Learning New Things
There is a segment of the population who can’t stand to find a new restaurant to try, art galley to visit, hike to take, winery or brewery to sample. Only the standard tried and true will do. Besides, you never know what you’ll get with new experiences. Probably lice! Right? If you prefer the same tedious experiences you’ve had for years, do not buy my book.
#3:You Hate Small Towns
Small is just hugely wrong. Santa Barbara is a small town with small people, small portions, small mindsets and big taxes. Only a big city can offer variety, diversity, choice, and, you know, other stuff. Small towns like Santa Barbara and its even smaller towns like Lompoc, Los Alamos, Summerland, Montecito, Goleta and Carpinteria are like sets from a movie - there’s nothing behind the façade. And don’t get me started on the “Danish” themed Solvang! This book sounds idiotic.
#2: Traveling to You is Like Having the Plague
Let’s be honest – ‘travel’ is a ‘hassle.’ Heck, they’re practically even spelled the same! Crowds, noise, renting a car, sitting on a plane, yes even walking is laborious and hard. Who wants a bad nights sleep in some crappy hotel? Why get up to fresh air and hang out at a Santa Barbara beach – we all know the ocean isn’t even blue, it reflects the color of the sky. Plus there are kids, dogs, musicians, artists, anyone on a Segway…yeah, no thanks. When you stay at home no one bothers you (except for that weird neighbor). Don’t travel and don’t waste your money on my book.
#1: You Don’t Have a Funny Bone in Your Body.
I don’t mean literally your “funny bone” (that’s actually when your ulner nerve bumps against your humorous bone and you get that icky sensation like your arm is drunk) because then your arm wouldn’t work. You haven’t laughed in decades. I mean, why bother? The world isn’t funny, this blog post is stupid, and to smile wastes valuable calories. So please, I beg of you, don’t buy my book.
The dumb author who Wrote Santa Barbara Know It All: A Guide To Everything That Matters.